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[08 Feb 2008|12:52am] |
Just because there was an unnerving silence around the table. For no other reason but because there was the kind of big, silent, gaping hole sitting right in front of us where four friends perhaps think "just who are these people who I have absolutely nothing to say to, anyways, and why I am sitting with them? We've eaten our food and are done with it, don't I have better things to do?" The kind of silence that makes you desperate to give these people a reason why you are important and they shouldn't scurry off to bigger and better things. Something entertaining. So for no other reason(I promise), I blurt out my doings of late, desperate to fill up time and space, and receive the incredulous stares and suspicious confusion of people who do their homework and turn it in on time.
Just what, exactly, would possess you to do a thing like that?
Wait. Isn't it obvious? Isn't it a given? Aren't you terribly jealous of every brilliant, tortured soul, every sick-man genius, every tragic hero haunted by his private demons? And doesn't it seem like the surest way to access their genius is by copying their bad habits? Seriously? Aren't you riveted by sad stories and bad decisions? Aren't you addicted to your own longing and loneliness and desperate for every inch of your heart that remains to be smashed to pieces? Seriously? Don't you want to find the bottom while you're still young? Isn't safety fucking disgusting and heartache reassuring?
But they don't seem to have any idea about that, and I have no idea how to say it, so I make shit up, generate the type of plastic in myself that makes me feel like utter shit, I've learned my lesson and am excited about the positive direction my life will move where I am a great dad and won't make any more bad decisions, and later in the day, I can barely look them in the eye.
Sometimes we all want to do the types of things that make for good pharmacuetical commercials. We want to climb mountains, graduate college, kayak with our sensibly dressed wife, wear fashionable glasses and start our career on sleek Mac notebooks. We want to defeat allergies and give our depression the heave-ho. We all want to be safe and happy.
But more often, I want to do the types of things that you would want to read about in a short story by someone you assume to be cooler than you are. I want to do the types of things that I wouldn't want my parents finding out about. I want to do whatever precious few dangerous things are left now that I don't have a house to sneak out of, now that I have no one to keep any secrets from. Those are the types of things I wish I were doing when I sit around wasting all of my fucking time. That is the life I want to lead and that is the life that I mourn the passing of, now that I've taken on the role of father.
And now even this embarrasses me, because real fuck ups, real geniuses, don't justify what they do. Tragedy and heartbreak flow from them as naturally as great poems, effortlessly, for no one else but themselves. They aren't excited by their mistakes and they certainly don't talk about them. They just live, and thats a problem, and thats all there is to it. When I blurted that out to an unenthused audience, I was exposed. Please think I'm dangerous, please think I'm smart. But the truth was all there to see as soon as I uttered those words. My mediocrity at being a real fuck up is proportional to the limits of my intelect, creativity, productivity. A silly show with no substance, a transparent charade not just for something like sympathy, but one that seeks to inspire a kind of reverence for stupidity. The words that I feared on their faces wasn't "Why on Earth would you do a thing like that?" but "Why on Earth are you telling us this? We aren't impressed. Now, we've got some schoolwork to attend to."
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[06 Dec 2007|10:58pm] |
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Every time I have a question about Spanish at Georgia State, I get to ask a beautiful girl to explain it to me.
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[26 Oct 2007|10:19pm] |
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http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/tees/7063366.stm
There are murderers in the world who wantonly discard human life. There are entire governments of people who think nothing of massacring innocents. There is blatant disregard for the suffering and lives of other people all over the world. But we feel like extreme cases like this are rare, that these people are in a minority. We feel that there is something fundamentally different between all of US good folks, and all of THEM, the murderers. Maybe thats why stories like this are so shocking. Sure, this man, and his crowd of onlookers, didn't kill this woman. They didn't even know she was dying. They probably assumed that she was drunk. And somehow, somehow, that made them feel like they could humiliate, neglect, and discard her.
The fact that Anderson called his assault "Youtube material" is telling. The internet has changed how we interact with the world, and perhaps, who we are. Anyone in the world can view fellow people being humiliated, injured, or killed via the internet. There are entire websites dedicated to just these types of "shocking viral videos." Viewers don't have to look the victims in the eyes, they don't see the effect on the victim's family, and no one in the real world, not their mothers, their grandparents, their teachers, or their pastors ever have to know that they watched and enjoyed their fellow man's suffering. Some may say that humans have always had the capacity to take pleasure in other's pain, that the internet hasn't changed people, just given them new ways to express and explore the world. But as history has shown us, our capacity for apathy or sadism towards other people is a human possibility better left unexplored. The internet has, if nothing else, given people a place to explore these dangerous feelings anonymously. And exploring, they are.
That's why someone in that crowd knew exactly what to do when they spotted Anderson urinating on a helpless woman: whip out their cell phone and take a video. People have become accustomed to the idea that one of the purposes of digital media is to capture human suffering so that it can be enjoyed by others forever.
Human beings are fragile things, externally and internally. Christine Lakinski may have been more vulnerable than others, but essentially we are all just like her. We all need the compassion and care of other people. None of us want to be alone. And loneliness is exactly the feeling I get when I read Ms. Lakinski's story. Imagine her lonely death, denied any human compassion, denied the very helping hand that may have saved her life. Also lonely, is to imagine those people who were so wrapped up in themselves that they didn't even see Ms. Lakinski as a human being, only as entertainment. These were normal people, not murderers, not criminals. Perhaps the same type of people who are shocked to read Ms. Lakinski's fate would have laughed or ignored her had they been on that street that night. These people were "us," and look what they did. Lonely is the idea that some people who witnessed this crime knew it was wrong, but didn't have the mettle to speak up. And terribly lonely is the idea that I, or perhaps someone vulnerable or in need that I love, could one day be left alone to suffer by people who were no less "normal" than the citizens out walking the streets of Hartlepool that night.
And what's most frightening, what's most desperately tragic, is I think I know quite a few young men who might be inclined to do the exact same thing. I know even more who might stand by and laugh as such depravity unfolded. Many good people I know would stare in disbelief, or walk away disgusted. Precious, precious few would stand up and do something about it. The whole of humanity has these people to thank. But tragically, no such person was there for Christine Lakinski, as she lay soaked in a stranger's urine, dying alone and discarded, as passerbys laughed, or simply ignored her.
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[15 Oct 2007|11:01pm] |
Anyways, I'm sitting in the library and its 11:01 PM on Monday night. Today I had a paper due for Sociology at 10 AM and I didn't do it and I've been at school trying to do it all day and all night. So far I've written two paragraphs, about two thirds of a page. It has to be three pages.
This is the kind of thing thats painfully uninteresting to read about in livejournal posts. There are precious few things that are interesting to read about in livejournal posts, but I think how much school work people are or aren't doing is especially uninteresting.
The other morning I woke up, and for a minute I had no idea where I was, what this heavy thing-then who this person was on top of me, why I was laying on a hard floor, or why I was soaking wet. There's actually still a bit of mystery as to that last question. It was just one morning of a few recent ones where I wake up and have to drive home still drunk, still able to feel the toxins in my brain. This isn't as interesting as it sounds: I think I actually drink a lot less than I have during various times over the last year, which was never excessive to begin with. My biology teacher said that whenever you throw up, its because you have toxins in your brain. Thats why I can now feel the presence of toxins in my brain when I drink. Today my biology teacher also called me up to the front of the class to have me discuss, to the whole class, the health benefits of vegetarianism. Unfortunately, I was not present in class today. Its a serious missed opportunity, but then again I wasn't expecting or prepared for it at all, I could have botched it.
I really, really wish that getting a girl pregnant would have magically changed me into a responsible and industrious person. This may come as a surprise, but it didn't. Somehow, having unprotected sex and conceiving a child didn't render me any more thoughtful, organized, or hard-working. I actually spend my time in markedly better ways than I did before, because I'm separated from a lot of the negative things I was around before. Now I spend my time reading news, listening to NPR and BBC, and yes, reading livejournal. These are at least things that have the potential to make me smarter, more literate person. But what I don't do is school work. I don't look for a new job. I don't think about the practical stuff that everyone else thinks about. All of those things, those things that are really important to the life of my child, are still as foreign and as hard to conceive of as they always have been. And its pretty scary.
Saturday I went to Ashlee's mother's family's baby shower. It was me and Ashlee and a couple of her friends, and all of what I'll call my new black family. I acted much like I would at a gathering of my own family, mostly quiet and pretty sweet, and everyone was very nice, except one guy who, judging by his blue tooth and general demeanor, I could tell I might not be too fond of from the start. Oh well, I'll take one two cool for school, dismissive 30 something year old clinging to youth culture with my very supportive, positive new black family. And it looks like they'll take me. And I'll take this thought, that I kept thinking all day that day, too: I can't imagine a single one of my friends in this situation, I can't imagine a single one of them in my shoes. I can't believe I'm there at all. This situation is certainly difficult and scary, but it is a pretty strong feeling to know that you've struck out on a path in life that is yours, that you will have experiences that, while not earth shattering, are as unique to you as your own fingerprints. Situations to which you feel uniquely suited, that you are the best if not only man who could do this, who could walk in your own shoes.
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[05 Oct 2007|11:53am] |
When you're so used to having to be concillilatory and smile brightly in the face of people who are openly hostile or stubbornly cynical of any consideration towards animals, it is positively electifying to read Matthew Scully refer to a big game hunter as "some rich low-life." His characterization of the Safari Club as "arrogant, merciless people who have no business sitting down with the President of the United States" is so reassuring. It actually gives me the feeling for a moment that compassion for animals isn't completely alien, that it isn't impossible, that truly, it is simple common sense. It is a decency possessed by the overwhelming majority. They've simply to be reminded of it, and reminded enough that they can't ignore the depravity done in their name.
http://www.matthewscully.com/sportsman_politics.htm
I seriously can not recommend a book to be read more than I recommend Dominion.
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[11 Sep 2007|01:38pm] |
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watching Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo is exactly like watching a high school health book come to life.
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[06 Sep 2007|08:49pm] |
i got a girlfriend and fell in love with her in a few weeks. i never wanted to drink when i was with her. everything just felt good all the time, there was nothing to force. she helped me pack the rest of my stuff out of my apartment to move over to my brothers last night; then she left forever to go to rhode island and i cried until i threw up. she painted the tails side of a quarter red and gave it to me, its sitting right here.
having a baby, moving into my brothers office really far away, failing at school, fighting with the mother of my child, quitting my job without another one lined up and having my girlfriend move away is all really scary and lonely. also, i've been really sick from all this stress. i started crying alone on a train and i want to be in athens taking it easy.
i guess i just wanted you guys to know that? ttyl
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[22 Aug 2007|06:11pm] |
I don't know if I've ever been as excited about a soft drink as I am about fucking Game Fuel. This is one of the coolest(shittiest, lamest, stupidest) things that has ever happened, and it makes me want to jump up and down and pwn n00bs.
School is great, makes me feel good and young. Especially in Spanish class today, when I had to sit close to someone else and share their book and work hard with my brain. It makes me really excited for fall. Really, really excited for cooler air. The GSU library was renovated and I like it a lot and I like being in it and reading the paper. Everything else is just as lonely and shitty as it was before, though.
There are cool smart girls in the world. This is amazing, because think about all the dirt fucking stupid girls I've met in my life. And the dirt stupid shitty dudes. I hope I stay in school, and continue to make myself more dissimilar to those stupid, shitty dudes. Because thats something that I haven't been doing much in the last few years.
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[01 Jul 2007|02:39am] |
Moments ago I stumbled drunk up my stairs then paused at the top. Standing outside my front door I can see the roof of the apartment building next to mine. Beyond that is a tree top, with dark branches spreading out above everything, silhouetted against the night sky. And beyond that is the moon, shining brightly and illuminating the entire scene in a brightly white blue.
I never imagined things could get this bad. I've been sick down to my very bones, poisoned near to death by my passions, but it was all a stupid act. A stupid sick man act that I would put on, with little to no audience save for maybe Danny. Now I know what it is for misery to enter your life uninvited, to come and sit down at your table and stare you straight in the face while your trying to fucking eat. To interrupt literally everything that made you happy, to interrupt your very dreams, hopes, ambitions, friendships, to interrupt your very self. And I promise, I've been very rudely interrupted.
Otherwise, I swear I wouldn't be making this ambiguous livejournal post to vaguely alert a few friends and many more acquaintances of some non-specific life crisis.
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[19 May 2007|01:36pm] |
Me and a girl were walking through a park in the mountains, along a path through the woods and next to a river. As we walked I looked down and noticed that we were walking next to a long black snake headed towards the river. I kind of jumped, thinking it was a water moccasin, then didn't say anything for a second, then stopped her and said "I'm glad you didn't see that." I pointed at the snake and expected her to be scared. Instead, she said "Oh my gosh, what is it?" She proceeded to go right up next to it, look at it, inform me that she didn't think it was poisonous, and then, kneeling down, she touched it with her index finger. The snake jumped and she jumped back and I hated every second of it.
Immediately afterwards I thought about how I needed to live in the mountains and fight snakes to be a real man.
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[11 May 2007|04:50am] |
Among other wishes, I wish very much that I could be home this summer. I wish so much that I could be riding my bike across that island, and I wish I could be spending more time with you friends down there whom I love so much.
Its strange how different things are from three, two, and even one year ago, but if I could be down there, I know that my friends and I could pick up right where we left off.
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[24 Apr 2007|03:28am] |
I've finally gotten to the part of Dominion that talks about factory farms. I haven't felt this outraged or heartbroken or desperate since high school. Suddenly the world is simple again. Suddenly some things just aren't so complicated. Some things are just what they are. Evil is evil. Selfishness is selfishness. Cowardice is cowardice.
But I have a mind for complications. I like to see varying sides of issues. I like to be moderate. Take the middle ground. I like to be pragmatic in things I say and think. I try to make measured statements that hopefully won't embarrass me later. So keeping that in mind, I say this: Modern, production intensive animal agriculture is among the most egregious sins in all of mankind's history. I don't believe animals to be man's equal, and I don't believe that animals carry the same moral significance as human beings. But the fact that so many human beings willingly allow and participate in such brutal and depraved violence done to such astonishing numbers of feeling creatures for little more than their "tasty nibbles", I believe, is every bit as damning of humanity and human character as any war or genocide we have ever directed at one another.
The description of modern hog farming as witnessed by Mathew Scully in Dominion is absolutely heart-wrenching. The suffering of the animals he saw is shocking, and when multiplied to account for the 103 million or so pigs raised and slaughtered in the US every year, or the 35 million cattle slaughtered each year, or the 8 billion chickens raised and killed each year, its astonishing, and its appalling.
There are many things that tug at our conscience in this world. Political and social issues, things that are wrong with the world that we may care about but ultimately, feel we can't do much to affect. Foreign genocides or third world hunger, problems that we recognize as serious but when we turn out the lights at night we can think to ourselves "If there was more I could do, I would." We are absolved of our guilt because it is out of our hands, because we are not the parties responsible.
The nightmare that is inflicted upon creatures big and small because we humans, you and I, have our own designs for them, have our own pleasures to indulge, that is not one of those issues. Until we show an ounce of compassion, of mercy, of humanity in our actions, those are sins for which we are not forgiven.
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[23 Apr 2007|01:07am] |
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Jack Links Beef Jerky Presents Messin' With Sasquatch
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[16 Apr 2007|01:34am] |
NO. BIG. DEAL.
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